The Most Dreadful of Mornings

Everybody who dreads Monday morning and has trouble sleeping on Sunday night because of it, raise your hand. According to a 2008 survey by the online employment site Monster, most of those raised hands will be American (72.6%), British (72%), and Hungarian (71%). The fewest raised hands will be found among the Spanish, Danish, and Norwegians. We Monday phobics are encouraged to take up a Sunday sport that leaves us tired, to schedule something pleasant to look forward to on Monday, or to see a therapist. Then again, we could embrace this sleeplessness. How about some milk and ginger cookies? Here are some accompanying books:

Anthony Berkeley, Trial and Error. The terminally ill Mr. Todhunter decides to do something good for humanity by murdering someone who deserves it. After investigation, he settles on a victim. A problem arises when Todhunter does the deed so well that someone else is arrested for his crime. This is a great 1937 Old Bailey trial novel enlivened with Berkeley's sense of humor and irony.

James D. Doss, Three Sisters. In a departure from his usual style, Doss tucks his tongue very firmly in his cheek in this twelfth book about Charlie Moon, a Ute tribal investigator. Very wacky characters and author asides abound when Moon looks into the death of TV psychic Cassandra Spencer's eldest sister. Grandmother Spider, The Night Visitor, and The Witch's Tongue are some other entertaining books in this series, which combines a mystery with colorful characters, a Colorado setting, and Native American mythology.

Stephen Gallagher, The Bedlam Detective. Former Pinkerton agent Sebastian Becker is back in England in 1912, investigating wealthy property owners for the Lord Chancellor's Visitor in Lunacy office. Is the owner so loony that the property should be confiscated? Now Becker's job sends him to the small town of eccentric scientist Sir Owain Lancaster, back from a terrifying trip to the Amazon. Gallagher knows how to spin a tale, and this 2012 book is a great genre-straddler of mystery/thriller/horror.

Ismail Kadare, The Successor. A 2003 novel by the Booker Prize-winning Albanian writer. The designated Successor to the Guide (the "guide" being Albanian dictator Enver Hoxha) is found dead in bed on a night in December, 1981. The question of suicide or murder is explored with a wealth of suspense and surrealistic black comedy. Kadare is one of those not-to-be-missed authors.

William Landay, Mission Flats. Landay is a former Massachusetts prosecutor, and this book is his 2003 debut. Narrator Ben Truman has been forced by his mother's illness to quit his graduate studies and take the job of police chief in his hometown of Versailles, Maine. After he discovers the body of a Boston D.A. in a cabin by the lake, Truman journeys into the shadowy world of Boston crime, where sometimes it's hard to distinguish cops from criminals. This is mesmerizing storytelling, and I quickly added Landay's 2012 book, Defending Jacob, to my pile of books to read.

Ngaio Marsh, Final Curtain. Artist Troy Alleyn has been commissioned to paint a portrait of a great English actor, Sir Henry Ancred. She is staying at his country estate, surrounded by his squabbling family members, who somewhat unite in their opposition to Sir Henry's plans to marry a chorus girl. A murder doesn't spoil Troy's reunion with her husband, Scotland Yard's Roderick Alleyn, who finally returns from the War in time to investigate. This 1947 book is one of my favorites in this traditional series.

Baroness Emmuska Orczy, The Scarlet Pimpernel. No list of bedtime reading is complete without a dashing masked hero, and here's a 1905 book for today. An English aristocrat has a secret other identity: he's the elusive Scarlet Pimpernel, who risks his life helping French aristocrats and avenging victims of the French Revolution.

Ali Smith, There But For The. Genevieve and Eric Lee have an annual “alternative” dinner party in Greenwich. After this year's party is over, they discover that one of the guests has locked himself in their upstairs guest bedroom. After weeks of reading the notes he slips under the door (requests for vegetarian meals), Genevieve begins an investigation into Miles Garth's identity by tracking down one of the names she finds in the address book he left on their living room sofa. This 2011 book is a witty postmodern fable; it contains wordplay and shifting points of view.

Tom Rob Smith, Agent 6. This 2012 novel completes the trilogy begun with Child 44 and The Secret Speech. Former KGB agent Leo Demidov's wife Raisa and their daughters are invited to New York City on a cultural mission in 1965. Tragedy ensues, but Demidov is denied permission to travel to the U.S. to investigate. The decades that follow are hell for him. In his desire to see justice done, Smith's heroic character trudges from one continent to another in this gripping thriller. I'll miss Demidov, but I won't forget him.

Spokane, Washington

Jess Walter, Citizen Vince. Laid-back Spokane, Washington, is a far cry from New York City, but it's where the U.S. Witness Protection Program delivers the newly named Vince Camden. Vince settles down to a life of baking for Donut Make You Hungry during the day and romancing several women, gambling, and credit-card crime at night.  It is now 1980, and Vince is excited about voting for either Reagan or Carter. His decision-making is interrupted when his local crime partners grow restless and a Mafia hit man arrives. Spokane resident Walter won the 2006 Edgar for this book. His obvious love of the city, the dialogue, and the characterization make it an entertaining read.

While these books are suggested for reading on a restless Sunday night, they're fine reading for other nights as well. Sleep tight. Maybe next Monday won't be so bad.

Stocking Snuffers

So Black Friday has come and gone and Cyber Monday is history. My major decisions about gift giving have been made for the most part. So now it is time to concentrate on the little things that make holidays so special. Maybe it's time to follow through on the resolutions for 2011 before another year is upon us. I have some small suggestions for you to either put on your wish list or to give to the needy members of the family. All of these things would fit in a Christmas stocking or a St. Nick's shoe on December 6.

Do you have a co-worker who is driving everyone in the office mad? Then I suggest this small poison-containing ring. Perfect for a little sleight-of-hand during coffee break and you will start a new year happier at work, and maybe even nab a promotion. Agatha Christie always called poison a woman's weapon, I don't know about that, but I will say that the poison rings available on Amazon seem to favor the feminine tastes.

Then there is that brat next door who keeps parking in your spot and leaving you to carry groceries an extra 20 feet. He is sort of a rat, isn't he? Just head straight to Amazon for a great selection. Two-day delivery. It would probably look nice sprinkled on some gingerbread. I could put this in my husband's stocking but he would just think we had a rodent problem and miss the point entirely.

Is there someone you know who has a boss who keeps harassing her? A small gift in a variety of colors might give her the hint about how to take care of her problem. After handling the situation she could leg it out of the crime scene wearing the weapon. Anthony Berkeley might be able to give you some hints if you read his The Silk Stocking Murders. In this story several young girls were killed by this gentle-looking weapon. Sherlock Holmes had a time with them in his story "The Case of the Silk Stockings." These days, although not worn as commonly, you will find them on Amazon.

Your friend doesn't want to be discovered doing the dirty deed? The old ice pick in the ear befuddles the police sometimes. There is even one with a cover so it won’t stick though the Christmas stocking and it will look like a pen in a pocket. This way, he won't have to use whatever is at hand––like the murderer in Black, White and Dead All Over. John Darnton's killer used a paper spike sitting on a newspaper editor's table. You can quietly order a number of the usual picks from Amazon––or maybe from a spearfisherman company.

On the other hand, here is something that is easily available, yet appears innocuous. It is the easy-to-carry, non-threatening USB cord. It is so much better than the old lamp cord, which comes attached to a lighting appliance. I have not read about a murder using this method of strangling, but I will admit to having been driven to murder when needing to use some USB cords for more banal purposes. But the Apple techies in Bangladesh are too far away to strangle.

If the problem is that your cousin doesn't really like blood on her hands and would prefer to be setting up an alibi elsewhere, she might find some uses for this little gem. Certainly Inspector Foyle and crew had a time with a murder by this method in the case of "The German Woman." The Foyle's War series is available on DVD. Please keep in mind that these wires leave marks wherever they rub, so this is another use for the silk stocking.

Have you been misjudged once too often and can't take it any more? Well, these handy little items come in a variety of shapes and sizes. You can pretend you are mashing potatoes. The most recent story I read involving death by blunt instrument involved a baseball bat. This gavel is much more symbolic and is much easier to conceal. Just use One-click ordering at Amazon.

Cyanide Capsules

On the other hand, something much less messy and quite painless is the little old red capsule. I don't know how everyone in mysteries is so well acquainted with the smell of this poison. How many of you are familiar with the scent of bitter almonds? I can't even smell regular almonds unless they are the candy-coated kind. In Blotto, Twinks and the Ex-King's Daughter, Simon Brett opens the story with a nice case of the poisoning of a special agent of a king. And the smell, of course, gives away the modus operandi immediately: cyanide!

Is your uncle unconcerned about collateral damage? Well, Alfred Nobel may have had murder in mind as a side effect when he made these little sticks so handy. Stephanie Plum gets on a lot of people's nerves and Janet Evanovich writes that villains have used these handy small bombs to blow up plucky Stephanie's vehicles. I just wish these detonations would make her more decisive, especially about the men in her life. She could use a little brain rattling every now and then to get her out of her rut.

Those of you with green thumbs may not need this handy little how-to book, Handbook of Poisonous and Injurious Plants. Naturally, it is available on Amazon. Just use your pay phrase for easy shopping. Even though I took plenty of chemistry classes in my time, I would need help going from pod to poison. Sheila Pim does a wonderful job of educating us on the dangers in gardening and the knowledge one can acquire for nefarious purposes in her Irish series, which include Creeping Venom and Common or Garden Crime. Bartholomew Gill also uses a foxglove as the MO to make Peter McGarr cudgel his brains looking for a suspect who fits his frame in Death of an Irish Lover.

Foxglove

Hemlock

Socrates used the attractive hemlock plant to end his own life when under a sentence of death. The Hemlock Society, founded as a right-to-die organization that would help people take the final step, took its example from the old philosopher who was deeply into the study of ethics. It has morphed into another society called Compassion and Choices. But these days so far, one man's easy crossover is another man's murder. Those of you who have hemlocks in your backyard can easily make a treacherous tisane if you find it necessary. If you are not so blessed, Amazon has a Hemlock Tree Growing Kit. The rest just requires patience.

If being creative is not for you, there is always the old standby: the pistol. These special items would fit easily into any stocking. These days, guns are at the top of the list as a choice of a deadly weapon here in the U.S. But it is always less expected in England. Still, P. D. James in The Black Tower has the murderer use a pistol. But I must warn you, that with these weapons that would be easy to drop in a stocking, you won't ever be in a position to say, "Do you feel lucky today, punk? Well, do you?"

These pocket-sized weapons may seem to be more to admire than fire but here you must rely on location, location, location. Nonetheless, don't try to take them on an airplane or you will find yourself out-gunned.

The most up-close-and-personal method for murder is the knife. Since they are readily available in one's kitchen I might have to remind you that it is best to use a weapon that can't be traced back to you. Here again Amazon has quite a selection on sale.

There you have it. For most of your murderous shopping needs, Amazon is the place for one-step ordering. I did not overlook the once-ubiquitous letter opener used to great effect in so many murder mysteries. It too would fit the small-but-lethal criteria that makes for such a special touch for the holidays. I fear using the letter opener would date you because only a few of us still get mail in envelopes. So have fun filling those stockings.